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Holiday time at the Compassionate Café

From the Compassionate Café to the seaside

It sounds like the title of one of those feelgood British films about friends and neighbours pulling together to support one another. Think Calendar Girls, The Full Monty or Fisherman’s Friends the Movie.

This scenario features a group of bereaved strangers who meet at the Compassionate Café at their local community hub and agree to one lonely chap’s “silly idea” to go on a seaside coach holiday together.

If this really was a movie there would be plenty of fictional twists and turns woven into the screenplay to beef up the drama. But this plot isn’t just “based on a true story” – it is a true story, and a heartwarming one too.

“It was good to be with people who understood.”

It’s also testament to the value of a growing network of neighbourhood groups, inspired by St Luke’s Compassionate Communities initiative, that are there to support people across Plymouth and beyond who are struggling with the loss of someone close, or navigating a terminal illness journey.

It all started with Ken, who had been coming to the Tuesday morning café, run by Nicki Chinnock from the Wolseley Trust, for about 18 months following the death of his wife, Sandra.

“My doctor suggested it. When I got a letter asking me to come to the group I didn’t reply,” he said. “Then I told my children about it, and they thought it would be a good idea, so I said I’d go down. To be honest, I was just going to walk in and walk straight out again, but I found it was good to be with people who understood.”

Ken was missing the trips he used to take with his wife and was longing to get away for a few days for a change of scenery, but he’d resisted it for a long time because it didn’t feel right to enjoy himself without Sandra.

“Everything we did used to be two of us and I felt guilty about doing anything on my own,” he admitted.

Then one day he spotted an advert in the Herald for Majestic Tours’ short break coach trips.

“Because I don’t drive any more, I thought it would be a way of getting me out of Plymouth for a bit. But I didn’t want to go on my own,” he said.

Ken, 77, plucked up the courage to tell Nicki about his “silly idea” and it snowballed from there. It turned out he wasn’t the only one who wanted a little holiday and a bit of company.

“I didn’t think anyone would want to go but wasn’t going too far away or for too long and not much hassle to get there, so a few others said they were interested, and it evolved from there.”

A group of eight – Ken plus Kay, Penny, Tony, Jeanette, Alison, Heather and Jenny – signed up for a Monday to Friday trip staying in June at a seafront hotel in Eastbourne on the Sussex coast, with pick up from Plymouth and excursions out to Brighton, Hastings and Battle.

“Different generations together, talking about different things.”

“Nicki made sure everything was in place for us. She contacted the tour company and took care of all our payments for us. We just had to pack a bag and go, then we could settle in and enjoy the ride for a few days,” said Ken.

“It helped me a great deal. Once we were there, we did our own thing, going out to see whatever was of interest to you. It helped to get away from Plymouth and to wander around somewhere else and see different things.

“I was born in London, and these were the places we used to sometimes go at the weekend, so it was good to go back and see what I could remember and whether it had changed or not.”

Heather, 89, thought the holiday was a grand idea and had no hesitation signing up.

“I knew it would be enjoyable to go with the others because I’ve got to know them all and they are a really good group,” she said. “The weather was really warm, and it was drier in Eastbourne than it was in Plymouth. I’d never been to that area before and we went on quite a few day trips out to look around, which was lovely.”

Heather who lives on her own, heard about the Compassionate Cafe from a friend at Age UK, and it has helped fill the gap after her sister went into residential care.

“I lost my husband a good many years ago now when I was 71. My sister, Jan, and I had a stall on Plymouth Market together and we retired at the same time when I was 76. I used to go out with Jan a lot, then she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which she has pretty badly, and she’s now in a home.

“I miss her company and going out together. Being part of this group feels good. It’s very friendly and I gel with the people here. It’s so relaxed and Nicki is brilliant.”

Tony, 86, joined the holiday gang with Kay, a good friend he met at the group, and her mother, Penny.

“The three of us went on the holiday. We all voted on where to go, and Eastbourne came out top. Nicki worked her socks off to get it together,” he said.

“The café works because it’s a group of people who have lost husbands and wives and family members and they understand. Everyone looks forward to a Tuesday and I feel easier in myself coming here.

“I lost my missus five years ago. We were together for 63 years and married for 59. Living on your own is great when you’re out! But when you get back in and close the door, that’s something else. You get fed up going down town on your own drinking coffee. In this place you forget about being lonely and it certainly gives you a lift. It’s nice company and everyone comes down to have a chat.”

Kay added: “There’s always something going on at this group. We have a laugh and that is what it’s all about. We look forward to seeing each other and it’s nice because it’s different generations together, talking about different things.”

For Jeanette, who has Parkinson’s and lost her husband Graham two-and-a-half years ago, the trip was a very welcome opportunity.

“Going on holiday when you have Parkinson’s was so much easier when someone else was organising it, so my friend Alison and I thought we would give it a go. A holiday is what you make it, so we made the most of it and got involved in everything going, including all the trips and we stayed up for dancing at the hotel,” she said.

Jeanette, 68, was one of the first to come to the Compassionate Café when it opened because she felt she needed people to talk to.

“I hate mornings and evenings because Graham isn’t there, so I needed to get out. The cafe came up on Facebook and my daughter got in touch. I came along on my own at first and there weren’t many people yet, but it’s grown a lot and when Alison’s husband died, she started coming to the group as well.

“It’s company and someone to talk to. I have met nice people and different people, and many of us are in a similar position,” added Jeanette.

Developing a Compassionate Community

Since the holiday the members of the group have taken some local trips, including a tour around Plymouth Dockyard Museum, organised by Heather, and one to the Dartmoor Prison Museum at Princetown, set up by Tony. They’ll be celebrating the festive season with a Christmas meal at the Leandra restaurant in the city centre, and six of them are off on a Majestic trip to the Christmas markets in Birmingham in a couple of weeks’ time. They are also planning another summer holiday next year.

“We are trying to branch out and do more things as a group,” said Ken. “For the likes of me, just being on my own, it’s a great thing. You can’t keep talking to the wall or the telly, and there’s only so much tidying up needs doing; you need other outlets.

“I have done 20 weeks of counselling and that has helped to a certain extent, but here you are talking to people who have their own problems, so it’s not all about you. They understand some of the deep feelings you are going through because they have been there themselves.”

Nicki, having started the group in 2022, is absolutely delighted that people are forming lasting friendships and having adventures together.

She said: “I think the holiday showed exactly what this group is all about and it makes me smile! They come up with the ideas and I just help facilitate bookings and arrangements.

“We provide a safe space here to meet up and talk and then it’s the peer support they give each other that is so amazing. Everyone here is so warm and welcoming. We have between 25 and 30 people coming along every week and no one is ever left out. Newcomers automatically get swept up and included.”

Judy Horne, of St Luke’s Community Development team, said: “Hearing about the friends from Ford Compassionate Café going on holiday together, and how Nicki – as a wonderful Compassionate Friend – helps them achieve their goals, is so heartwarming. It shows what a difference the right connections and support can make when people are going through difficult times, and how important it is for Plymouth and the surrounding areas to keep growing and developing as a Compassionate Community.

“Bereavement or living with a life limiting illness can be very isolating. Compassionate Cafés offer a friendly, informal and understanding space to meet and chat with other people who may also be grieving, feeling lonely or coming to terms with their own life-limiting illness.

“At St Luke’s we believe death, dying and loss are everybody’s business. As a hospice we try to encourage compassion, understanding and community spirit so that we can all support each other better as a community and have more open conversations about death and bereavement.”

 

Compassionate Cafés

St Luke’s Community Development team works alongside local communities, supporting them to establish their own Compassionate Cafés, either run independently or in partnership with existing organisations and charities.

Here’s a list of the Compassionate Cafés that are currently meeting regularly in the local area:

PLYMOUTH: FORD

Ford Compassionate Café meets at Wolseley Community Hub, Wolseley Close, Ford, every Tuesday 11am – 1pm. Call Nicki on 07305 052575. Well-behaved dogs are welcome.

PLYMOUTH: CENTRAL PARK

Friends in the Park Compassionate Café meets at the Well Being Hub, Central Park every Tuesday, 10.30am – 12.30pm. Contact Ben at Plymouth Argyle Trust on 01752 522202.

PLYMOUTH: DERRIFORD

Hearts Together Compassionate Café meets at the Hearts Together Hospital Hotel, 7 Blunts Lane, Derriford, Plymouth, every Wednesday, 2 – 4pm. Call 01752 315 900 or email at info@heartstogether.org.uk

TAVISTOCK

Tavistock Care Café meets at Tavistock Methodist Church Lower Hall, every second and fourth Tuesday, 10.30am -12 noon. Contact carecafe@tmc.me.uk

SALTASH

Port of Call Compassionate Café meets at Ashtorre Rock, Old Ferry Road, Saltash, every Friday from 2-3.30pm. Call Elaine on 07541 664524 or email elaineincornwall@gmail.com

SOUTH BRENT

South Brent Compassionate Café meets at The Old School Community Centre, Totnes Road, South Brent, on the third and fourth Saturday, 10-11.30am. Call 01364 700282.

IVYBRIDGE

The new Ivybridge Compassionate Café meets at Chapel Place Community Centre, on the second and fourth Saturday, 10am – 12 noon. Contact compassionatecafeivybridge@outlook.com

TORPOINT

A new Compassionate Café is starting on 2 December 2024 at The Court Yard Café, Torpoint, meeting on the first and third Monday, 11am – 12.45pm. Contact torpointcompassionatecafe@gmail.com

KINGSBRIDGE

Safe Harbour Compassionate Café meets at Kingsbridge Care Hub, Quay House, Ilbert Road, Kingsbridge on the second and fourth Saturday, 1030am – 12.30pm. Contact compassionatecafekingsbridge@gmail.com

Compassionate Friends also attend the community sessions below to support anyone grieving or affected by end of life issues.

PLYMOUTH: WHITLEIGH

Friendship Café Here 4U meets at Four Greens Community Trust, Whitleigh, Plymouth on Fridays, 11am – 2pm. Contact zoe@whitleighbiglocal.org.uk

PLYMOUTH: ST JUDES

St Jude’s Community Hub Café meets at St Jude’s Church, Plymouth on Tuesdays, 10.30am -12 noon. Contact stjudeshub@gmail.com

 

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